Reflection 9/17/21

Honestly, I know nobody reads my posts and I’m okay with this. My journey/diary on this website feels like I’m screaming and letting go of my anxiety that is riddling my body and my mind. Since no one reads this I can just throw it out there and pretend people are listening to my pointless complaints. Maybe I complain about he useless little things because I never was allowed to complain when I was growing up. I hid who I really was until I was 19 and even then I was still distraught and following people who never really cared about me.

That is what this reflection is going to mark on. Who are we? Why do we think hanging out with a bunch of “friends” with common interests will actually devolve into a lasting friendship. I have cycled through “friends” and came out exhausted, hating myself, and loosing sight of what I actually care about. I know this is related to my BPD and CPTSD. When a friend says I’m amazing and caring my mind doesn’t know how to respond. I don’t believe them and will I ever believe them? I’m not sure. That is what I’m working on right now with my mental health. Believing my value in others and understanding the ones that falsely give me their value.

The false ones hurt… a lot. Maybe because they can hang around for years then one day be like “see yah.” The false ones won’t answer your questions or take the time during the month or week to see how you’re doing then come running saying all the fallacious affirmations. The saddest part of all of this is that they don’t know that they are “using you as a pillow” as my girlfriend said haha. Energy vampires is another solid term for them. Chaos creators? People who thrive on drama use and pull you till you don’t have enough energy for even yourself. I guess a conversation you’re having with someone shouldn’t agitate you… their presence shouldn’t either.

Maybe a humbling idea is to look at any toxic situation as a chance to learn. I think people like me who have fallen prey to these vampires degrade ourselves. Considering we were just used and thrown away now we want to do that ourself. Souls rush together trying to understand why one needs the other, but honestly sometimes it is just one sided. Then we get too buried in our own codependency to understand our value, wants, needs and freedoms. Holistically I wish I could be kind to the stupid teenager that fell in love at age of 19, but understandably, it’ll be a long time till this happens. The positive in this statement is “till” meaning it will happen. I just have to be patient.

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